On my drive home this weekend and back to Eau Claire, I put myself in this seemingly strange hypothetical situation. Here's the scene of my situation: I'm driving on I-94, listening to my TechYES playlist when I look over, and Jesus is in my passenger seat. Now, if that really were to happen, what the moment look like?
I have no doubt that I would be awkward. I'm sure I would kick things off with a joke or some bad pun. Maybe offer the dude a handful of candy corn--assuming He would like it. Would I dare talk about the upcoming election? Probably not. I'd probably also offer to turn off my music. Unless He enjoys jamming to the sweet bass of techno. I'd want to talk about a lot of things regarding Him and Christianity (especially the Spanish conquistadores of South America). Also the big life questions.
But let's rewind to the creation of this thought process. It came to be as a result of my internal panic regarding graduation this December. What is a 22 year old drowning in debt going to do with a Liberal Arts degree in Spanish and a made up minor? I know I must have complete faith in the Lord's plan for me. I know I want to get my masters in Student Affairs, one day join the Peace Corps, get my PhD in Spanish, teach English abroad, and have a family. I also am very aware that there is a high chance none of these things may happen.
With this flurry of thoughts, I naturally began to panic. What am I actually going to do in the Fall of 2016? I am just now accepting the fact that I do not run on my time, but rather the Lord's. He has numbered my days and only He knows my calendar. So much for Outlook. For a free spirit and lost soul, such as myself, this is fairly comforting because I'm hopeful that things will fall in place with time. But also, I want to know where I'll be and where I'm supposed to be. I guess time is a gift that is used for more than our own purpose.
Amidst this chaos, there has been judgement placed upon me in regards to what I'm doing, what I have done, and who I am. People. I'm just going to do my thing. You'll either love the Allie or disapprove of the Allie. I'm fine with either, though I'd prefer to receive your love. I can't change my character because individuals disapprove. I'm a proponent for being yourself, because that's the best version of you (some famous person probably said that). We all have our masks that we put on. For me, it's way too easy to let the imposter version of myself come out. She knows how to act around a specific group of people to avoid judgement and gain approval. What can I say, I'm lovable? That's also like, really dumb because I'm lying to everyone. Also, people don't have the right to cast out judgment, so it shouldn't matter how others perceive me. Yet for some reason, it does. Judgment is then followed by a questioning of my character and value.
As a result of this twisted mentality, when riding with passenger Jesus in my car, the biggest question I would want answered is why do we so often forget how valuable we actually are? Why do we let society determine our worth? I say "we" because I know I'm not the only person guilty of this. Fun fact: I did have this conversation with J$ and this is what my 22.5 year-old self gained from it:
Our actions do not define our permanent being. They are learning tools that help foster our growth in a positive way. That can easily happen if we surround ourselves with people who encourage us during the highs and lows in life. We also all fuck up and make mistakes. Own up to your shit and admit your faults. Wait. If you are immersed in people who will judge, how can you? That's when the imposter self comes out and covers everything up. Trust me. I've been there. But I know I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't own up to my faults. I've only grown from them in a positive way, even if it may have hurt in the moment. I've learned to humble myself, even if I lose friendships along the way. It's a hard concept for me to fully fathom because I care so much about the relationships I create, but people come and go in our lives. When friendships end, I question what I did wrong. Like, what the heck. But then I reflect and realize that I actually probably did everything right in my role as a friend. It just ran its course. That doesn't change my worth at all. I'm still important, yo, even if I only have nine toenails. It's important to surround oneself with people who show love in the dark destructive moments but also the triumphant ones. Like, people who accept you for you without trying to change who you are. I want to have the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life that others expect of me.
Regardless of who you are, what your spiritual beliefs are, and the challenges you've had to overcome or are still trying to overcome, you too are worthy of love. So like, just don't forget that. Stay true to yourselves (despite your age) and I truly believe that then your lives will become much more joyful.
Keep your hearts happy, friends. Sending sniffles and hugs your way!
-A
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| In other news. Here's a gross picture of me. I have this tissue sticking out of my nose because it won't stop running. I'm also surprised I have not yet coughed up a lung or lost my voice. The cute lil' guy in my tea is giving me hope <3 |
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