a letter to 2016

dear 2016,

you have provided nothing but a whirlwind of emotions. at times i find myself resenting you because of all the shit storms. and then i get salty for giving you as many tears as i have. but often, i don't want you to end because holy nuts--you were a year full of marvelous life!

the reality of it all, 2016? you know how to play a girl's heart.

you were a year where darkness could easily have had a foothold. you took away precious life from three people i love all too soon, and all within a few months of one another. my heart broke on multiple occasions. my camera is barely functioning. i almost walked away from the Lord. i got a black eye and several other wounds from my "extreme" sports. i made some poor choices as a result of drinking. i broke trust in relationships causing irrevocable damage. my car got rear ended. i ate moldy bread unknowingly. i pooped my pants at the store. i fall into sin's lifeless arms every day. i experienced spiritual warfare on a new level. i moved away from some of my best friends and some of my best friends moved away from me. i was a slave to guilt. i was pulled over three times in two weeks--two of which truly were a result of burnt out tail lights. i have been unforgiving. my bank account is nearly empty. i have cried a lot.

BUT, ef all of that.

there is SO much good that has happened. good that can only result from our Creator. i was able to spend three weeks in nicaragua. three weeks that opened my eyes to a culture rich in beauty and love. i stepped foot into the adult realm. rather than walking away from Christ in the dark moments, i only grew in my relationship with Him as i pressed further and further into His heart. i am loved by the Beloved. i am somehow coleading a girls' Bible study--ugh, what? (definitely don't feel qualified for that). walls were broken down as i relearned how to trust and genuinely love. i got to see my favorite band perform. i drove across the country, took a ferry, and relocated my life to juneau. i spent hours rollerblading throughout juneau--sometimes by myself and other times with a fellow blader babe or running fiend. i've shared my heart with close friends over a donut as we stare at the stars. i regained confidence in my identity. i got to see one of my best friend's marry the man of her dreams. i learned what it means to forgive and be forgiven. i perfected my popcorn recipe. i played croquet on the golf course at midnight with tiki torches. i shared an ice-cream cone with one of the most majestic creatures (a cow). a plethora of people i love got to see a piece of my heart as they visited juneau. i learned to appreciate the dysfunctionality of my family. i played softball all summer. i got stuck on a mountain in total darkness. my cardio health improved with each huff and puff up juneau's mountains. my photography is hanging up at gonzo. for once, i know what i want to do in life because i know it's where He is leading me and i trust Him completely.


thank you for your time, 2016. through each of your moments, there has always been Light. what is 365 days in comparison to an eternity praising God? i want each of my days to reflect His infinite beauty.

"but do not forget this one thing, dear friends: with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. the Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 peter 3:8-9

happy new year!

xoxo
-a

empowerment

winter has hit juneau. the day meets "sunlight" late in the morning and is soon greeted by darkness in the late afternoon. rain falls from the sky as it is moved by the high speed winds. the temperature is confused, because the rain turns to snow which then melts within hours of falling and turns to icy frost. i just want to be going ham on my rollerblades with n.w.a. blaring through my ear buds. but i can't. and that's okay. instead, i am filling my time with sleep (for once), friends, hikes, and popcorn. there was a week where i was going from 6 AM - 12 AM every day without being home. probably not the healthiest of weeks--i was pouring out so much, without taking the time to refill my cup.

during this time of year, people often suggest taking vitamin d. but i don't. and right now, i feel no need to. instead, i press further and further into my Creator. in this new winter season, one of literal darkness, His presence is so much stronger. the other night i had a solo ops out to the glacier to try and capture the beauty of the night sky. the mountains covered in snow as the stars shone with a new purpose. nugget falls could be heard from a few miles away and the snow crunched beneath my feet with each step i took. in that moment, my heart was in awe. i almost cried, which may have also been a result of the cold. talk about an adrenaline rush at 1:00 AM.

heavy burdens were lifted in that moment as i better understood the empowerment that the Lord has given me. because of Him, i am able to love in moments when it is really challenging. because of Him, i am able to serve even though my flesh may not want to. because of Him, i can (try) to put others before myself. i am empowered to follow God's will. what a beautiful thing! let's face it, the decisions i've made because i thought they were best usually resulted in a train wreck. but the decisions i've made as a result of following His will have blessed me abundantly (challenges and all). He provides incredible opportunities to love, serve, and live justly. which i am not deserving of at all. and trust me, i fall into the grimy hands of sin every day. but it pushes me to grow in my relationship with the Lord and better my identity as His daughter.

i'm looking forward to seeing what He reveals in the upcoming new year. a new year of possibilities, fresh starts, and restoration. woohoo!

i'll see you soon my midwest, loves <3

xoxo
-A

happy birthday to my sister

**disclaimer: i contemplated making this really heartfelt but didn't want it to take away from my maid of honor speech when you get married or whatever.**

hey kid.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 

you’re twenty-one years old.

dude. twenty-one years ago you became my best friend, and worst enemy.

twenty-one years ago, mom and dad brought you home from the hospital. they allowed me to pull a band-aid off your leg underneath the coffee table on the gross green/blue plush carpet of 5581 balsam court. i probably thought i was super cool. looking back, that’s super weird.

you are the reason we never had fun babysitters—you just screamed all the time. and when you weren’t screaming, you were biting chunks of my skin off and leaving an imprint on my shoulder blades #casual

you are the reason my barbie’s shoes went missing. you are the reason my toys broke. you are the reason my clothes disappeared. you are the reason for several of my tears and temper tantrums. you and your midnight snacking are the reasons all the good snacks for lunch went missing in the pantry.

you are the reason why i miss living in wisconsin. you are the reason for many of my smiles and happy memories. you dry my tears when i call you crying and you have just the right words. you are the reason i became addicted to the sims 2. you are (probably) the reason putter is still alive.

you are the reason why i have a relationship with Christ.

you are a beautiful human being and i am so thankful that you exited our mother’s womb twenty-one years ago. my life would be pretty bland without you. who would send me texts saying that the cat walked all over her with diarrhea on its paws? who would blackmail me? who would i stay up with all night long during summers at grandma’s cabin? who would i wake up to in the middle of the night cracking my toes?

did you ever imagine yourself getting married to your (male) best friend at twenty-one years old? did you think that by the time you were twenty-one, you would be in cosmetology school? or that you would have impacted so many people?

you are incredible. i am honored to be your biological sister and sister in christ. you have a soul full of light and a heart full of compassion. may your day be filled with all things lovely. i look forward to (legally) drinking a glass of wine with you over christmas and listening to you critique my split ends.

stay beautiful. i wish we were sisters.

from the womb to the tomb,

<3 yaya

the devil's been talkin'

"bag of bones and blood red cheeks

guilty from the words i speak

say the truth will set you free

but it won't for me

the devil's been talkin'

...

we can't change who we are

we are all alone" 

needtobreathe is telling us that the devil is the one whom is wreaking havoc and marring the ways in which we perceive ourselves. 

i can't change who i am, but Christ can. and He has. the Truth has set me free. i am not alone. 

this week, over many donuts, star gazing, praying, biking, and sleeping i have been further convicted in regards to the gift i have received from God: love

you may or may not know this, but more often than not, i am a reclusive human being. 

yes, i know that independence and solidarity can be healthy, especially for an introvert like me. i need time to recharge so that i may continue to pour into others the way Christ pours into me: with full passion and relentless energy. 

however at times, it is unhealthy. there are moments in which i feel abandoned, alone, and unloved. moments in which i am laying on my potato in the dark listening to adele on repeat with a glass of cabernet. i find myself walking back towards the chains that Christ has broken me free of as i listen to the words that satan tells me. words that feed into my anxieties and build up my walls. walls that prevent me from stepping out in bold faith. 

the enemy is absolutely aware of the ways in which God has worked in my life. his main goal is to separate me from God. of course he is going to push me towards dark to encourage me to walk a life of sin rather than one reflective of Christ. naturally, he is going to attack me where i am the strongest.

up until a few months ago, my heart was stone cold towards new people and the prospects of starting new relationships. rather than opening up and sharing my heart, i was going to keep it. people didn't need to know the ways in which the Spirit was working in my heart. i didn't want to get hurt. but i'm an idiot. by doing that, i was only hurting God's kingdom, which is exactly what he wants. 

Hebrews 13:5 says, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you."

if i stop loving, i am deserting and forsaking my brothers and sisters. if i stop loving, i am deserting and forsaking those who do not know Love.

i feel like i am harry potter and hagrid just stomped into my house in the middle of a storm telling me i'm a wizard. but actually, the Holy Spirit knocked down the walls surrounding my heart and said: "You are loved. So love others so that they may know Love." 

i still have a lot to learn. how can i love in a way that is glorifying to God? i want to be intentional, genuine, and vulnerable. but at the same time, i need to make room for Christ to love on individuals as well. it will be a journey. but one that i am excited to continue on! my heart is just bursting at the seams because i just love Love <3 

let me love you. 

xoxo

-A

recluse

His grace covers my insecurities.

His grace covers my fears.

His grace covers my hurt.

His grace covers my what ifs. 

in my own life, i know that my insecurities, fears, hurt, and futuristic thinking that leads to the what ifs prevent me from fully utilizing what God has gifted me with (which i am still trying to understand). and being able to love without condition and a heart for adventure.

i am unchained from my past and because of my relationship with Christ, i should be unafraid of my future. i should be unafraid. but i am afraid. i am afraid to follow Him in obedience as a result of my trivial fears. i was designed for adventure because He knew that following Him would be one (Wild and Free, p. 15). i am are free to do whatever He calls me to do as i am wild in obedience. i should walk in who God created me to be and find freedom in what Jesus has done for me. 

i know that God will show up just as i think i am about to sink because He is so generous in the ways in which He helps. i need to take venture in my faith and do so boldly. that entails taking risks as i engage in my calling. He gifted me so that He may be glorified throughout my life. 

my insecurities, fears, hurt, and what ifs are simply results of the enemy's work. they are tactics that are used to prevent me from stepping out in faith to follow His calling. they encourage me to be recluse. 

if i take a step back and reflect on the ways in which i am #blessed, i know that Christ has been there every step of the way. the Lord is my cornerstone. so, i need to follow what He has put on my heart: showing Love in the world through venture while not letting the world turn me away from Him. 

God is so good. this was especially evident this weekend as a group of about thirty of us retreated out to echo ranch--a camp about thirty miles out the road away from technology and our realities. seeing the Holy Spirit work in and through the hearts of so many, was absolutely incredible. new relationships were built between brothers and sisters as we played games, star gazed, huddled around the wood-fire stove, and partook in pillow talk. during quiet time, i was convicted of so many things (and maybe cried a bit) as i sat on the beach in the sun gazing at the mountains and listening to the ocean.

i needed a weekend like this because i have been relatively recluse as a result of my fears.

"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." - 1 John 4:18

with Christ alongside me, i have nothing to be afraid of for He will provide. He always has. I am loved by Him and only He can mend my hurting heart, silence my insecurities, cast out my fears, and eliminate my what-ifs. this is because He is perfect. He is love.

i've said it before, but i need to love without reserve. and i don't because i am afraid of being hurt. but how many times have i broken His heart? millions. and yet, He continues to love me and show me grace.

it makes my heart so happy to know that Jesus is my savior. He can break my chains. i want to continue to live a life of adventure, which following Him entails.

yo. God is so good. 

xoxo

-A

david and a girl

a young 23 year-old woman is roaming the streets of seattle. more specifically, pike's place market and the surrounding area. with each step she observantly takes everything in: the fishy air, produce stands, vibrant floral displays, cobblestone roads covered in bubble gum, armpits that smell of chicken noodle soup and feet that smell like butthole, the kind disposition of the woman at the information kiosk, and the multitude of languages buzzing in her ear. 

she wanders into a quaint little bookstore. it's called lion heart bookstore. like many others who have walked through the faded door, she befriends david. a man with a beautiful heart and passion for life. david tells her that life should really be more simple than it is. we over complicate it. all we need is someone to wake up to in the morning that can tell us how beautiful, lovely, and amazing we are. all we want is to love and be loved. we deserve to hold and be held. we should have someone to make us chicken soup when we're sick. he told her his parents' love story (they met while ballroom dancing). he talked about the ways in which society makes women feel incapable of being mathematicians or unable to hold jobs that men would typically hold. he's proud of his sisters for defying those stereotypes. he then flowered her with compliments and told her to send lion heart a post card so that they could add it to their collection. 

what david probably didn't know was that the girl was on the verge of tears for she was exhausted both physically and emotionally. david probably didn't know that at times she feels so broken because of her sinful nature but unable to talk about it because she is a Christian, therefore, her life should be perfect because she has Jesus. so she hides behind her smile. what david probably didn't know is that he turned her day around. his words were the encouragement that she needed as she dodged the city buses and embraced the blisters on her feet to make it back to the seatac airport. 

what the girl probably doesn't know, but wishes she did, is his backstory. does david have love in his life? does david have Jesus?has he had his heart broken like so many of those who have walked in and out of his bookstore? does david know the feeling of being wanderlust? he seems like a simple man with a big beautiful heart. a heart that is self-less and full of compassion. a heart that is humbled and full of so much life. the heart of a man who commits his life to making others feel loved. she wishes she had had the courage to ask david about his faith, but she was too afraid. but the girl wonders why society is incapable of such love? 

it seems that even those who do walk with Christ, lack love in varying relationships. we're all so guarded. so broken. so vulnerable. so afraid. it's easiest to shut people out in order to protect ourselves. but are we really living when we do that? 

david's spirit was encouraging and uplifting. we need to be more loving towards strangers. we don't know their stories. we don't know why they yelled at the flight attendant or were salty about their blueberry muffin being taken away from TSA. we don't know why they cut in line or stood up in a hurry on the airplane to deplane. we don't know why they are on the streets asking for money or how they became the person who power washes the gum off the gum wall. those people could be feeling just as broken and lost at times.

so friend, i challenge you to take on a heart more like david's. if yours is hardened towards something or someone, reevaluate your reasoning. remember that we're all human. we all fuck up and get salty about different things. we need to humble ourselves and recognize our wrongdoings towards others. every heart beat is precious and every spirit is beautiful.

xoxo

allie