after a whole summer without posting anything, i've finally found my creativity again and have posted at my new domain about a pretty important guy that i like to call dad. read more at: birkenstocksandwoolsocks.com
xoxo
-a
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
new domain!
hello reader!
early may, i switched my blog over to its own domain: birkenstocksandwoolsocks.com
this would explain why nothing has been updated here on this page and i am so sorry for not letting you know sooner. if you are a follower of my adventures, check it out! i felt like a transition was needed and i wanted a space where i could more easily organize my photos, thoughts, and contact with you.
i am currently working on a new post that i am hoping to have done by the end of today to share about things that have been going on in the past month (i have been reminded that it has not been updated since mother's day -- yikes!)
i hope that your hearts is happy and that your skin is able to absorb those sunny rays (through SPF 50 sunblock of course).
so much love!
xoxo
A
early may, i switched my blog over to its own domain: birkenstocksandwoolsocks.com
this would explain why nothing has been updated here on this page and i am so sorry for not letting you know sooner. if you are a follower of my adventures, check it out! i felt like a transition was needed and i wanted a space where i could more easily organize my photos, thoughts, and contact with you.
i am currently working on a new post that i am hoping to have done by the end of today to share about things that have been going on in the past month (i have been reminded that it has not been updated since mother's day -- yikes!)
i hope that your hearts is happy and that your skin is able to absorb those sunny rays (through SPF 50 sunblock of course).
so much love!
xoxo
A
Sunday, April 30, 2017
california introspection
after ten days of being on the road in sunny california, i am now back comfy and cozy in my juneau home. i am #blessed to be able to see new places through my job and represent a place i love but a) it gets lonely and b) it's absolutely exhausting: flying, driving from city to city, unpacking only to repack luggage as you go from hotel to hotel, college fairs, etc. as i interact with students in a high energy situation, my mind is constantly thinking about the things that i could be doing better when interacting with prospective students: was i too energetic for them? was i too mellow for them? did i answer their question? should i have said that differently? do i talk to them on a professional or casual level? i need to remember to follow up with student 'x' on subject 'y'. aside from the chaos, i had the opportunity to talk with some super solid rad people.
in between fairs and driving, i had a little bit of time to explore joshua tree national park and the classic san francisco golden gate bridge (on my way to john muir national monument). john muir woods was insane. i hated that i had to pay $10 for an entrance fee and an additional $1 for the trail map for i had become a player in the commodification of nature. is it really nature if you're paying to be in it and being surrounded by women walking on the wooded boardwalks in their heels, designer bags, and slouchy cream sweaters with their hair done perfectly and a smart water in hand? or the men in their loafers, v-neck sweaters, and ray bans? (i was being judgmental (again) when i had no right to be). i was passing people to get off the boardwalk and to the ben johnson trail i so desperately want to hike, people were staring. maybe it was a result of my appearance: norts (nike shorts), tennis shoes, messy braid from the day before, fanny pack, backpack, and skin the color of a crustacean. needless to say, we were in two very different categories.
it was a beautiful hike (about 5 miles) with a lot of elevation gain. the middle opened up to this beautiful meadow on mt. tam overlooking the pacific and parts of san fran. the sky was blue, birds were singing, and wild grass surrounded me. walking through the meadow was almost euphoric: dodging little lizards on the path, dancing with the butterflies, and breathing in the fresh air.
during much of my driving (from middle cal, to socal, to norcal) i was taken aback by the drastic geographical changes and the immense beauty of the state i had previously felt indifferent about. i wanted to run through the mountains on the side of the highway. i wanted to taste the sweet fermented grapes at local vineyards. i wanted to sit in the desert and wait for nightfall and number the stars. i wanted to dig my toes in the sand off the pacific coast highway as the ocean roared with its secrets and stories. i wanted to know the story of the exuberant woman who sold me my donut: what fills her heart with confetti and what saddens it. i wanted more. but, i am so thankful for the time i did have to explore in the 1.5 days off of work i did have, and the little bit i could do via car from place to place. i did manage a donut tour, which was pretty rad. i was able to meet up with family in San Diego and a few friends along the way. most importantly though, i began to better understand what it means to be a woman of God and an active pursuer of His heart. in this bible study i'm doing, which i may have mentioned earlier, i'm learning more about the remarkable women in the Old Testament. women who have sacrificed so much to serve our Father and ultimately bring glory to the Kingdom: Noah's wife, Sarah, Hagar, Leah, Rachel, Shiphrah, Puah, Jochebed, Miriam, Rahab, Deborah, Jael, and Naomi. women who have been sneaky sneaks and did things for their glory and desires. but it's apparent that God used them even though they were in sin: Eve, Lot's wife, Rebekah, Potiphar's wife, and Delilah. (of course there are many more--these are just the ones i've really focused on thus far).
through these women and their stories, my relationship with God has become a bit more vibrant. i want what He wants and i want for my heart to beat in sync with His. the common theme from all of them is that God restored them, He made them new again. at the end of her story, Rahab was no longer a prostitute named Rahab but rather she was labeled by His grace (Romans 6:14). God knew that Rebekah would manipulate her own story, one about God's sovereignty and our own will. He knew that she would dupe Isaac. like Rebekah, He knows that we are sinners and yet, He chooses us. His plan is good. His plan is the reason for all.
one of the most interesting stories in the Bible that i could read over and over again, is the story of Samson and Delilah. a story of deep love. a story of betrayal. Delilah would receive 1100 pieces of silver from each individual to betray Samson, a judge of Israel. Samson, time and time again, would falsely tell Delilah where his weakness lay only for her to then report back to the Philistines whom would then ambush him. eventually, Samson does truthfully share his source of strength with Delilah and he is defeated by the Philistines. (Judges 16)
later on, we will see Judas betray Jesus for the price of 30 pieces of silver.
she reads truth proposed this question: what lights my eyes and feels worth forsaking my savior?
after thinking about this for a while i concluded that it's things that B.C. allie found appealing and saw life in: taking a casual hit at a party, taking one more shot, pushing boundaries with my body, peace corps, social stances, and other things of this world. i am then reminded of Lot's wife, a woman who looked back on the sin God was redeeming her from in Sodom. as a result of disobeyed His command, she became a pillar of salt.
we must not look back on our former darkness but instead, run into the Light. we must not lose sight of the reason we were sent to serve like Samson did or do what it takes to get our way like Delilah--betraying the one we love. instead, we must be ready for to be used by God at any time--our minds open and our hearts rooted in His triumph so that we may bear fruit. let us trust that, like in the stories of the Old Testament, God is at work--even though we may not always be able to see it. even though we may always want more than what He has given us, it is important to trust that He is preparing us for more. i pray for you, sweet reader. i pray that your heart is open to His plan. that you can continue to walk in the Light, and not look back--especially in moments when you feel He is not working. may you trust in Him, just the way that some of these women did. if you don't know Him, i encourage you to take a bold step and read one of the gospels. ask Him to search your heart, for you are oh so loved and dudes, He has some amazing things planned for your life.
have a beautiful day!
xoxo
-A
Saturday, April 22, 2017
earth day
hello, weirdos.
happy earth day! i hope that you were able to go out and spend time in His creation--admiring the blue, starry, or grey sky above your head; enjoying one of your favorite hikes, adventuring somewhere abroad, or laying in a grassy patch with a favorite book. i spent my day in joshua tree national park (located in socal). i hiked through the desert terrain and took in the beautiful flora in bloom. granted, i'm not a botanist but i can't fathom how something so vibrant can thrive in a desert terrain. throughout a chunk of my exploring time, i kept singing gungor's beautiful things. in the midst of dry sand, flowers were blossoming and providing habitats for local insects, reptiles, and wild life.
it's an interesting thing -- to hike by oneself. contemplated playing some gregory alan isakov but decided to walk among nature's own soundtrack: the sound of buzzing bees, scurrying lizards, the rare breeze blowing through the joshua tree, and my rapid heart beat. it was strange not having lush forest surrounding me with the comforting sound of running water or seeing your neighborhood porcupine a few feet over.
i spent time on hike #1 talking aloud to myself and also spent solid time reflecting on my devotional from this morning--going through women of the Old Teste. today's emphasis was placed on Shiphrah and Puah (hebrew midwives to pharoah). these two women were ordered by pharoah to kill newborn baby boys but because of their relationship with God, they disobeyed pharoah's orders and let them live. these women had every right to fear pharoah in their disobedience but they feared God's wrath and holiness even more so. as a result of their loyalty to Him, He blessed them with their own children. fast forwarding to today, there are definitely moments in whch we have to choose between the fear of God and the fear of man. i should always choose God because His law and love trump all things; He will honor my bold obedience. and He has and will for sure continue to. it just comes back to patience and complete trust that He will guide me through hardships to the gates of glory. it's wild.
hike #2, up mt. ryan, was much more challenging--as there was a giant elevation gain in about 1.5/2 miles. i went into it thinking, "i hike all the time in alaska--this will be a piece of cake." i went HAM but shortly found myself in a state of humility as i was battling the ninety degree weather, tender legs, and constant thirst. on the way down, i ran into another group who had a five year old. i passed them but the five year old stayed by me, so passersby going up thought he was mine. and then when i left, he told me that he loved me. sure, i want to be a mom (of five) (i think) but NOT NOW.(granted, i am binge watching say yes to the dress while my body marinates in aloe vera but it's more so i'm living vicariously through the diva brides and thinking "never will i be like this." i'm humbled once again as i am gently reminded that it's not my place to judge the girl crying about her dress not having enough poof and glitter...)
no other weird encounters thus far -- other than california drivers make me mega salty and cause me to call them names: butt crust, ball sack, and chumps. working on cleaning it up.
that's all for now.
xoxo
-A
Monday, March 13, 2017
better than a taylor swift love story
hello!
being a few days shy of the big 2-4 i've been doing a lot of reflection. where was i ten years ago, five years ago, two years ago, a year ago? and where do i want to be? for those of you who know me well, know that i often change my course. hopping from one crazy plan to the next. but here's the thing. i want to be where the Lord is leading me.
with that in mind, i think it's time that i share my love story with Jesus with you, dear reader. a love story that began march 18 of '93 when He breathed life into my little body. a love story that i had no idea i was in or wanted any part of until 2014. this is the story of allie B.C and allie A.D:
i grew up relatively privileged in the burbs of wisconsin. i have a younger sister and soon to be brother-in-law, and my parents are still together. i had a rockin’ relationship with my immediate family: we took road trips, spent summers at our cabin, had family dinners, played monopoly (which often resulted in me crying), and shared a lot of laughs.
i was a stellar student from kindergarten and on -- made honor roll, an avid reader, tutor, athlete, yearbook editor, and the neighborhood babysitter. i had dreams of becoming a peace corps volunteer, teaching in south america, and...married by the time I was 24. i saw no flaw in the plan i had mapped out for myself. LOL--God did. He wasn’t in it.
i believed in God, sure. however, my understanding of a relationship with Him was way off. first communion only happened because it would have meant a lot to my grandpa, who had passed away the year before. to me, it meant that I would have a party and get money to buy a playstation. the actual act of communion to me meant that i could drink wine every sunday as a minor. sunday school was torturous. everyone was grumpy and seemingly impatient. one morning as we were preparing for communion, our class was sitting in a dark room with uncomfortably dim lighting. we were all on the floor sitting cross legged staring up at our teacher who had just covered her arms in oatmeal. she said something and then smoothly wiped it off--and there were no remains of the gross muck on her skin. turns out, it was symbolic of Jesus’ ability to heal all things. in this case, it was leprosy. but all I saw was a teacher covered in oatmeal and was thoroughly disgusted. during mass, the Lord’s prayer was a nightmare. on one side, i'd have the clammy hand of a stranger and on the other, i'd have the tight squeeze of my cousin. needless to say, i was not fond of church. at some point, it was no longer a priority which meant it was an option. naturally as a small child i chose baseball and basketball games, sleepovers, and sleep over church. my family and i became creasters--only attending church on christmas and easter.
on the outside, my young self was thriving and loving life. on the inside though, i felt like the child who would never be enough:
the feeling of inadequacy was only beginning to grow. for a while, i used it as ammunition as i strived to be enough.
2011 i started college at the university of wisconsin - eau claire. this is also when I was turned off by a lot of campus ministries. their outreach seemed ingenuine and there was a lot of hypocrisy between the masses. but my life was good, so I didn’t really need a relationship with Jesus. i believed in God, i was a good human being, that was enough.
i was connected to campus instantly: a math tutor, played on our ultimate team, a reading partner, three exchanges, a missions trip, campus ambassador, and be an RA for 3.5 years. it all sounds great, right?
well, it wasn’t. because of my varying leadership roles, i had become a master pretender. hiding my hurt behind my smile. no one knew what was actually going on or the heaviuness I was feeling.
2012 seems to be the year that allie's empire had crumbled in regards to all aspects of my life. i began as an RA, things with family fell apart, and i saw no value in myself.
as an RA, you take on a huge role. a role that means individuals will confide in you with anything and everything. my heart broke a little more each time one of the girls would recount the moments leading up to being black out drunk that they didn’t know where their bruises came from, an eating disorder, a decline in mental health and suicidal thoughts, drugs, breakups, and the stress of being a freshman in college. or moments when a wasp in the room was tormenting them or they needed a new lightbulb. i loved each of them so much, that i was harboring their sorrows.
that same year satan seemed to have a foothold in my perfect family as darkness was looming. the intensity and ache in my heart was growing as choices were made that would change our family life forever. i was crying myself to sleep and eating my feelings (not a good year for my body). i felt like I had no one to talk to.
there were a few people i confided in and revealed parts of my heart that i was afraid to expose. people that i would have done anything for at any time of day. trying my best to let them know they were loved. however, it turns out that any issue i would bring up was turned back to them and their own emotional state. i didn't want to be walked over any more so i trained myself to be closed off and to stop trusting.
at this point, i had gone on my missions trip and started pursuing God a bit more and seeking a relationship with Jesus: reading my Bible, praying fervently, and asking questions. however, i was still seeing the hypocrisy that turned me away from being a devout Christian the moment i got to college. if my Christian friends didn’t see me as valuable or couldn’t get passed the sin in my life, how could God?
pursuing His heart resulted in waking up to demonic forces in my room--lurking in the corner with their odor lingering, paralyzing my body, and breathing nightmares into my life. i had been tempted by sin more than ever before. to no surprise, i gave into it. started smoking weed, low-key on the verge of an eating disorder, was numb, had a hardened heart, and pushed boundaries with my body. i thought I could find love and wholeness through my new hobbies. there was no fulfillment. instead, there was conviction. guilt. and more heartbreak. Jesus was calling me to His arms.
would i run to them? i had to decide: am i going to stay in control, give in to the dark that was consuming me or let Jesus take the wheel? i was reluctant at first, but i put my hands up, worries down. He was in control now.
i had a new hunger in my Spirit: I started attending Lifegroup back home, participating in Bible studies, going to church, etc. i was so much happier. but i still had (and have) a long ways to go. i was a little baby Christian who still had a lot of questions and was still holding on to parts of her old self.
so there are four pivotal moments leading up to where i am now: my trip to nicaragua, a prayer, saying no to PC, and Ephesians 5:12-14.
as graduation was approaching, i didn’t know what to do. i was receiving a bachelor’s of arts in spanish and intercultural communications. like...what does that even mean? unsure of where I was going, without seeking council from the Counselor, i went on an immersion trip to nicaragua to learn about the feminist movement. it was here when i first really felt the Lord challenging me in all my beliefs. our trip was a group of about 14 wild and incredible women. we often were found with toña in hand. we were meeting with groups of people who had been ousted from their churches because of their sexual orientation or decisions to get an abortion after a sexual assault. i believe the enemy was using this setting to get in my head and pull me from Jesus. i was isolated from other Christians and had no one to ask my questions to. one of the days we were coming back on the ferry from an incredible weekend on one of the islands. a group of nicaraguans had walked on the boat with a variety of instruments, loud laughter, and staring down this group of chelitas. they then began singing. at first i didn’t pick up on what they were saying but then as i tuned in, they were worshipping the Lord. my heart and spirit started to dance. it was exactly what i needed. the Spirit was working inside of me and pushed me to go talk to this group of people. i was terrified:
"nah, i'm not going to do it. i'm fine just sitting here." He continued to press, "really, i'm ok napping." well, i lost that battle. so here is this grungy white girl approaching a group of beautiful nicaraguans with my nerves trembling. i nervously started talking to them, they were wide eyed and probably taken aback. i then told them i was a Christian and asked if i could hear their testimony. they each shared it with me and then it was my turn. i had never given my testimony, let alone IN SPANISH. i panicked, naturally, and nervously started my story. it was incredible how the Spirit had brought the exact words that i needed to mind. words that my ten years of class could not have taught me. we all prayed together and it was phenomenal. not only was it a reminder of how wonderful God is, but it was a reminder that He is working all over the world. bringing people together, speaking all languages.
shortly before this trip, i had also found out that i was moving back to Juneau. It’s a long story, but the Lord presented me with the opportunity to work at UAS. I looked at my bank account, and panicked. i then realized i needed a place to live. but i knew that if it was Spiritual, He would absolutely provide. and He has.
in all of this, i've learned what it means to die to self. which was solidified when applying for a peace corps position in october to go to africa in august for two years. i interviewed, was offered a position, and then God straight up told me no. killing something that had been in my flesh for twelve years was a tough pill to swallow. i kept looking for ways to work around His sovereignty but all things pointed back to no. my underlying drive for peace corps was to seek glory from man, tricking myself into thinking that i was doing it for Jesus. He has something totally rad planned and is continuously strengthening me as He brings people in and out of my life to disciple. strengthening me for what roads lie ahead.
this summer i was praying to my Intercessor, asking Him to remove my capability to love and He was like: "Allie. How would you feel if I stopped loving you every time you sinned and offended me?"
alright, good point.
i actually went into my exchange to UAS with the intention of not opening up to anyone or developing meaningful relationships for fear of being hurt. well, i did open up. and i did get hurt. but i'm so glad. God orchestrated it all; those people came in and out of my life to bring me closer to Him. i'm thankful for each one of them. and even more thankful for the humans i have solid relationships with from my exchange. i've learned that His love for us fuels our love of others, the result of God in us. it's a result of Jesus’ love for us. my drive to be there for people isn’t to bring glory to myself but rather to the one who is Creator. a servant’s heart is one of humility and selflessness-not seeking anything in return. if our lives are devoted to the cause of humanity, of course we’ll be defeated. but if we are motivated by our love for God, we will be successful. His gratitude is the only gratitude we need.
a misconception in our world seems to be that the Christian culture does not struggle. i'm going to let you in on a secret: we absolutely do. in the moment, conviction feels horrible. you want to curl up and run away. not confess anything--to Jesus or your peers.
ephesians 5:12 - 14 says:
“for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, “awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
there are things i don’t bring forth to Jesus in prayer because i am afraid of that conviction (even though i know something beautiful will come of it). i instead keep to myself and let my unconfessed sin and issues create a barrier between Him and i. but guess what? rather than hide in shame as a result of my sinful nature, it all needs to be brought to the light. idolizing the guilt of past and current sin is not what Jesus died for. no, He died so that we may be new creatures in Him. so i dare to live as a forgiven woman. i am able to draw closer to Jesus and be free from my chains. i can see this internally and externally as His Spirit has empowered me to forgive myself and others.
so you guys. if you didn’t know, God is rad. He has all of our stories written. He’s the Author, not us. because of what Jesus did for me at calvary, I am able to experience a new life in Christ Jesus. one of peace, wholeness, and absolute beauty.
i pray that you too open up your heart and strike up a conversation with Him. really listen to what He is telling you and just how much YOU are loved by the Beloved. i dare you to enter a love story with Him 💗
xoxo
-A
being a few days shy of the big 2-4 i've been doing a lot of reflection. where was i ten years ago, five years ago, two years ago, a year ago? and where do i want to be? for those of you who know me well, know that i often change my course. hopping from one crazy plan to the next. but here's the thing. i want to be where the Lord is leading me.
with that in mind, i think it's time that i share my love story with Jesus with you, dear reader. a love story that began march 18 of '93 when He breathed life into my little body. a love story that i had no idea i was in or wanted any part of until 2014. this is the story of allie B.C and allie A.D:
i grew up relatively privileged in the burbs of wisconsin. i have a younger sister and soon to be brother-in-law, and my parents are still together. i had a rockin’ relationship with my immediate family: we took road trips, spent summers at our cabin, had family dinners, played monopoly (which often resulted in me crying), and shared a lot of laughs.
i was a stellar student from kindergarten and on -- made honor roll, an avid reader, tutor, athlete, yearbook editor, and the neighborhood babysitter. i had dreams of becoming a peace corps volunteer, teaching in south america, and...married by the time I was 24. i saw no flaw in the plan i had mapped out for myself. LOL--God did. He wasn’t in it.
i believed in God, sure. however, my understanding of a relationship with Him was way off. first communion only happened because it would have meant a lot to my grandpa, who had passed away the year before. to me, it meant that I would have a party and get money to buy a playstation. the actual act of communion to me meant that i could drink wine every sunday as a minor. sunday school was torturous. everyone was grumpy and seemingly impatient. one morning as we were preparing for communion, our class was sitting in a dark room with uncomfortably dim lighting. we were all on the floor sitting cross legged staring up at our teacher who had just covered her arms in oatmeal. she said something and then smoothly wiped it off--and there were no remains of the gross muck on her skin. turns out, it was symbolic of Jesus’ ability to heal all things. in this case, it was leprosy. but all I saw was a teacher covered in oatmeal and was thoroughly disgusted. during mass, the Lord’s prayer was a nightmare. on one side, i'd have the clammy hand of a stranger and on the other, i'd have the tight squeeze of my cousin. needless to say, i was not fond of church. at some point, it was no longer a priority which meant it was an option. naturally as a small child i chose baseball and basketball games, sleepovers, and sleep over church. my family and i became creasters--only attending church on christmas and easter.
on the outside, my young self was thriving and loving life. on the inside though, i felt like the child who would never be enough:
- not athletic enough
- not petite enough
- not brace enough
- not successful enough
- not smart enough to go to the college i wanted to
the feeling of inadequacy was only beginning to grow. for a while, i used it as ammunition as i strived to be enough.
2011 i started college at the university of wisconsin - eau claire. this is also when I was turned off by a lot of campus ministries. their outreach seemed ingenuine and there was a lot of hypocrisy between the masses. but my life was good, so I didn’t really need a relationship with Jesus. i believed in God, i was a good human being, that was enough.
i was connected to campus instantly: a math tutor, played on our ultimate team, a reading partner, three exchanges, a missions trip, campus ambassador, and be an RA for 3.5 years. it all sounds great, right?
well, it wasn’t. because of my varying leadership roles, i had become a master pretender. hiding my hurt behind my smile. no one knew what was actually going on or the heaviuness I was feeling.
2012 seems to be the year that allie's empire had crumbled in regards to all aspects of my life. i began as an RA, things with family fell apart, and i saw no value in myself.
as an RA, you take on a huge role. a role that means individuals will confide in you with anything and everything. my heart broke a little more each time one of the girls would recount the moments leading up to being black out drunk that they didn’t know where their bruises came from, an eating disorder, a decline in mental health and suicidal thoughts, drugs, breakups, and the stress of being a freshman in college. or moments when a wasp in the room was tormenting them or they needed a new lightbulb. i loved each of them so much, that i was harboring their sorrows.
that same year satan seemed to have a foothold in my perfect family as darkness was looming. the intensity and ache in my heart was growing as choices were made that would change our family life forever. i was crying myself to sleep and eating my feelings (not a good year for my body). i felt like I had no one to talk to.
there were a few people i confided in and revealed parts of my heart that i was afraid to expose. people that i would have done anything for at any time of day. trying my best to let them know they were loved. however, it turns out that any issue i would bring up was turned back to them and their own emotional state. i didn't want to be walked over any more so i trained myself to be closed off and to stop trusting.
at this point, i had gone on my missions trip and started pursuing God a bit more and seeking a relationship with Jesus: reading my Bible, praying fervently, and asking questions. however, i was still seeing the hypocrisy that turned me away from being a devout Christian the moment i got to college. if my Christian friends didn’t see me as valuable or couldn’t get passed the sin in my life, how could God?
pursuing His heart resulted in waking up to demonic forces in my room--lurking in the corner with their odor lingering, paralyzing my body, and breathing nightmares into my life. i had been tempted by sin more than ever before. to no surprise, i gave into it. started smoking weed, low-key on the verge of an eating disorder, was numb, had a hardened heart, and pushed boundaries with my body. i thought I could find love and wholeness through my new hobbies. there was no fulfillment. instead, there was conviction. guilt. and more heartbreak. Jesus was calling me to His arms.
would i run to them? i had to decide: am i going to stay in control, give in to the dark that was consuming me or let Jesus take the wheel? i was reluctant at first, but i put my hands up, worries down. He was in control now.
i had a new hunger in my Spirit: I started attending Lifegroup back home, participating in Bible studies, going to church, etc. i was so much happier. but i still had (and have) a long ways to go. i was a little baby Christian who still had a lot of questions and was still holding on to parts of her old self.
so there are four pivotal moments leading up to where i am now: my trip to nicaragua, a prayer, saying no to PC, and Ephesians 5:12-14.
as graduation was approaching, i didn’t know what to do. i was receiving a bachelor’s of arts in spanish and intercultural communications. like...what does that even mean? unsure of where I was going, without seeking council from the Counselor, i went on an immersion trip to nicaragua to learn about the feminist movement. it was here when i first really felt the Lord challenging me in all my beliefs. our trip was a group of about 14 wild and incredible women. we often were found with toña in hand. we were meeting with groups of people who had been ousted from their churches because of their sexual orientation or decisions to get an abortion after a sexual assault. i believe the enemy was using this setting to get in my head and pull me from Jesus. i was isolated from other Christians and had no one to ask my questions to. one of the days we were coming back on the ferry from an incredible weekend on one of the islands. a group of nicaraguans had walked on the boat with a variety of instruments, loud laughter, and staring down this group of chelitas. they then began singing. at first i didn’t pick up on what they were saying but then as i tuned in, they were worshipping the Lord. my heart and spirit started to dance. it was exactly what i needed. the Spirit was working inside of me and pushed me to go talk to this group of people. i was terrified:
"nah, i'm not going to do it. i'm fine just sitting here." He continued to press, "really, i'm ok napping." well, i lost that battle. so here is this grungy white girl approaching a group of beautiful nicaraguans with my nerves trembling. i nervously started talking to them, they were wide eyed and probably taken aback. i then told them i was a Christian and asked if i could hear their testimony. they each shared it with me and then it was my turn. i had never given my testimony, let alone IN SPANISH. i panicked, naturally, and nervously started my story. it was incredible how the Spirit had brought the exact words that i needed to mind. words that my ten years of class could not have taught me. we all prayed together and it was phenomenal. not only was it a reminder of how wonderful God is, but it was a reminder that He is working all over the world. bringing people together, speaking all languages.
shortly before this trip, i had also found out that i was moving back to Juneau. It’s a long story, but the Lord presented me with the opportunity to work at UAS. I looked at my bank account, and panicked. i then realized i needed a place to live. but i knew that if it was Spiritual, He would absolutely provide. and He has.
in all of this, i've learned what it means to die to self. which was solidified when applying for a peace corps position in october to go to africa in august for two years. i interviewed, was offered a position, and then God straight up told me no. killing something that had been in my flesh for twelve years was a tough pill to swallow. i kept looking for ways to work around His sovereignty but all things pointed back to no. my underlying drive for peace corps was to seek glory from man, tricking myself into thinking that i was doing it for Jesus. He has something totally rad planned and is continuously strengthening me as He brings people in and out of my life to disciple. strengthening me for what roads lie ahead.
this summer i was praying to my Intercessor, asking Him to remove my capability to love and He was like: "Allie. How would you feel if I stopped loving you every time you sinned and offended me?"
alright, good point.
i actually went into my exchange to UAS with the intention of not opening up to anyone or developing meaningful relationships for fear of being hurt. well, i did open up. and i did get hurt. but i'm so glad. God orchestrated it all; those people came in and out of my life to bring me closer to Him. i'm thankful for each one of them. and even more thankful for the humans i have solid relationships with from my exchange. i've learned that His love for us fuels our love of others, the result of God in us. it's a result of Jesus’ love for us. my drive to be there for people isn’t to bring glory to myself but rather to the one who is Creator. a servant’s heart is one of humility and selflessness-not seeking anything in return. if our lives are devoted to the cause of humanity, of course we’ll be defeated. but if we are motivated by our love for God, we will be successful. His gratitude is the only gratitude we need.
a misconception in our world seems to be that the Christian culture does not struggle. i'm going to let you in on a secret: we absolutely do. in the moment, conviction feels horrible. you want to curl up and run away. not confess anything--to Jesus or your peers.
ephesians 5:12 - 14 says:
“for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, “awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
there are things i don’t bring forth to Jesus in prayer because i am afraid of that conviction (even though i know something beautiful will come of it). i instead keep to myself and let my unconfessed sin and issues create a barrier between Him and i. but guess what? rather than hide in shame as a result of my sinful nature, it all needs to be brought to the light. idolizing the guilt of past and current sin is not what Jesus died for. no, He died so that we may be new creatures in Him. so i dare to live as a forgiven woman. i am able to draw closer to Jesus and be free from my chains. i can see this internally and externally as His Spirit has empowered me to forgive myself and others.
so you guys. if you didn’t know, God is rad. He has all of our stories written. He’s the Author, not us. because of what Jesus did for me at calvary, I am able to experience a new life in Christ Jesus. one of peace, wholeness, and absolute beauty.
i pray that you too open up your heart and strike up a conversation with Him. really listen to what He is telling you and just how much YOU are loved by the Beloved. i dare you to enter a love story with Him 💗
xoxo
-A
Friday, February 17, 2017
me, myself, and i
the past month or so i have felt incredibly distant from God, even though there is no change in my routine: i attend my weekly bible study, varying prayer groups, church, immersed in the word, etc. however, there is something blocking me. the moment i feel my heart is right with the Lord, something happens causing me to step back. i do believe that some of it is spiritual warfare but part of it is the condition of my own heart as well. i am chained as i ask myself how i once again became a prisoner to issues i thought i was freed from and new issues i am confronted with. but that's the thing: i've been asking myself rather than the One who can free me from them. my list contained things like: lack of sleep, not enough time for quiet time, overwhelmed by decisions, carrying other people's boulders, etc.
so...obviously, i was wrong. my list actually exemplifies how ignorant i am. classic Allie. so, i took the time to sit with the Lord and pour out my heart asking Him to reveal what is creating this indestructible wall. His list was much longer and more detailed than mine:
manipulation. unforgiveness. resentment. ingenuous. lack of grace. hypocritical behavior. fear. anger.
lack of trust. judgment. pride. self-righteous.
what do these all have in common? an occupation of self.
this is just a part of what the Lord revealed. the actual list is much more complicated, detailed, and longer than what you see. when i look at this page of my journal, i want to crawl into a cave. my cheeks turn red as shame washes over me.
i haven't felt a connection to the Spirit because i have a lot of dirt, or unrepentant sin, in my cup. so much in fact that Christ can not fill it until i actually do repent and carry it to Calvary to see how grotesque it actually is. i need to be cleansed of the sin that is staining my heart. and only then, "as He cleanses our cups, so He fills them to overflowing with His Holy Spirit" (Calvary Road, p. 4).
i've always been aware of the list in red but have never really voiced all of it aloud to God like i have when asking forgiveness for other things. i just assumed He would take care of these deeper heart issues because He knows my heart better than i do. and truthfully, i was ashamed to admit the deeper issues aloud.
i believe that the distance i am feeling is His humble way of reminding me to press into Him more than ever before and to not seek answers in my own thoughts or the offerings of the world. God is growing me in my understanding of dying to the self daily (rather than whenever i feel like it)--the greatest common factor of my dirty cup. so, my wall is still there but i know that God is chipping away at it. He will continue to as long as i continue to fervently pray and come before Him:
"take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, 'awake, o sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you'" | Ephesians 5:12-14 ESV
the things we do in secret, are often the things we're most shameful of. but if exposed by the light, it will be illuminated and anything illuminated turns into light. if we live in darkness, we're isolating ourselves from other humans and we're isolating ourselves from God (as i am learning).
today i drove about three hours from anchorage to seward. can i just say something? IT WAS SO FREAKING GORGEOUS (i said 'holy shit' and a few other colorful vocab words way more than i would have had liked to). anyways, on that drive, i found myself on the verge of tears at one point. despite the overcast, the beauty overwhelmed me. i was also reminded that even though i am a mess and so broken, i am part of something larger. the same God who made the mountains MADE ME. AND HE MADE YOU. He chose us to be a part of His Kingdom. so the moments when we are hyper aware of our grotesque heart-state, Jesus is still there lighting and guiding the way as he herds His lost sheep back Home.
i felt convicted to share this part of my heart because i think it's important to be reminded that no matter where we are in our walk, we are going to have trials and tribulations. we'll have moments when we feel distant from His heart and moments when we feel closer than ever. our broken states our beautiful because He can make something totally rad of it; He makes beautiful things. our happiness, joy, and peace are found in Him.
xoxo
-A
so...obviously, i was wrong. my list actually exemplifies how ignorant i am. classic Allie. so, i took the time to sit with the Lord and pour out my heart asking Him to reveal what is creating this indestructible wall. His list was much longer and more detailed than mine:
manipulation. unforgiveness. resentment. ingenuous. lack of grace. hypocritical behavior. fear. anger.
lack of trust. judgment. pride. self-righteous.
what do these all have in common? an occupation of self.
this is just a part of what the Lord revealed. the actual list is much more complicated, detailed, and longer than what you see. when i look at this page of my journal, i want to crawl into a cave. my cheeks turn red as shame washes over me.
i haven't felt a connection to the Spirit because i have a lot of dirt, or unrepentant sin, in my cup. so much in fact that Christ can not fill it until i actually do repent and carry it to Calvary to see how grotesque it actually is. i need to be cleansed of the sin that is staining my heart. and only then, "as He cleanses our cups, so He fills them to overflowing with His Holy Spirit" (Calvary Road, p. 4).
i've always been aware of the list in red but have never really voiced all of it aloud to God like i have when asking forgiveness for other things. i just assumed He would take care of these deeper heart issues because He knows my heart better than i do. and truthfully, i was ashamed to admit the deeper issues aloud.
i believe that the distance i am feeling is His humble way of reminding me to press into Him more than ever before and to not seek answers in my own thoughts or the offerings of the world. God is growing me in my understanding of dying to the self daily (rather than whenever i feel like it)--the greatest common factor of my dirty cup. so, my wall is still there but i know that God is chipping away at it. He will continue to as long as i continue to fervently pray and come before Him:
"take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, 'awake, o sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you'" | Ephesians 5:12-14 ESV
the things we do in secret, are often the things we're most shameful of. but if exposed by the light, it will be illuminated and anything illuminated turns into light. if we live in darkness, we're isolating ourselves from other humans and we're isolating ourselves from God (as i am learning).
today i drove about three hours from anchorage to seward. can i just say something? IT WAS SO FREAKING GORGEOUS (i said 'holy shit' and a few other colorful vocab words way more than i would have had liked to). anyways, on that drive, i found myself on the verge of tears at one point. despite the overcast, the beauty overwhelmed me. i was also reminded that even though i am a mess and so broken, i am part of something larger. the same God who made the mountains MADE ME. AND HE MADE YOU. He chose us to be a part of His Kingdom. so the moments when we are hyper aware of our grotesque heart-state, Jesus is still there lighting and guiding the way as he herds His lost sheep back Home.
i felt convicted to share this part of my heart because i think it's important to be reminded that no matter where we are in our walk, we are going to have trials and tribulations. we'll have moments when we feel distant from His heart and moments when we feel closer than ever. our broken states our beautiful because He can make something totally rad of it; He makes beautiful things. our happiness, joy, and peace are found in Him.
xoxo
-A
Monday, February 6, 2017
a letter to my insecurity
dear insecurity,
i am relatively confident in my identity. however, you absolutely know when i'm doubting things and know just where to hit. i must say, i'm impressed with your tactic... but... it's not cool. your stabbing words encourage nothing but self deprecation; bringing down my self worth. so, it's time i tell you something that's been weighing on my heart: you are toxic, and i'm breaking up with you.
<<lay off the sweets--there is such a thing as too curvy.>>
oh my gosh. you're right--i gained like two pounds in the past week. crap crap crap. i'm supposed to be losing weight for steph's wedding--not gaining it! i might as well say good-bye to that plus one. <<plus one? at this rate, it'll be more like plus fifty.>>
<<no one appreciates the love you give them. and if they do, it won't last long.>>
i know. just look at all the failed friendships in my life! i'm a walking example of failure. maybe i'll just shut off my emotions again.
<<you are weird and it makes people uncomfortable.>>
probably a contribution to my singleness.
<<that pimple on your forehead? the size of everest.>>
i didn't think...HOLY CRAP. it multiplied. oh no, oh no, oh no.
<<you're not strong enough for tomorrow or next week. and like, in all areas: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.>>
don't you think that's a little harsh? <<no>> well... it is. however, i can see where you're coming from. i cry at least two times a week. i haven't worked out in a while. and i feel like there's constant battle between my spirit and flesh. so i guess you're right.
<<DUDE. pick up your chapstick game. your lips look like the sahara desert.>>
nothing is working. i'll just keep a distance from people so they can't see. maybe that will work for my acne too...
<<you're selfish for moving away from your family and friends. stop telling yourself that they still love you. allie, you're never going to be enough for them.>>
you are absolutely right. i should have stayed home to help with wedding planning, to be a buffer in conflict, and provide encouragement. what was i thinking?
insecurity, because of you, i have:
none of this is okay.
you are no longer welcome to provide input. your harsh tone, slimy words, and cunning personality have consumed my mind long enough. you are a minion of the enemy; sent to create a roadblock in my walk with the Lord. did you know that i was created in His perfect image? Jesus has made me His own (Philippians 3:12). please stop distracting me from following Him.
i'd be lying if i said i am perfect. and i'd be an even bigger liar if i said i were a perfect christian. while i strive to be in His image every day, i fail as a result of my relationship with sin. it's a love-hate relationship. love it because it reminds me of how broken i am, which encourages me to continuously press further and further into His heart. i hate it because i am reminded of how greasy and pathetic i am.
i don't need you to also be reminding me of that or encouraging me to intentionally walk in sin. which is why i refuse to continue to let you have authority over my thoughts. i am absolutely worthy of beauty and love. i am living a life of passion. i am rocking my singleness. i am hilarious. i am doing my best to follow the path He has laid before me.
i do want to thank you, though. thank you for strengthening me.
fortunately, it's over. i hope we never meet again. as justin bieber once said, you should go and love yourself.
xoxo
-A
p.s. confidence sends her best <3
i am relatively confident in my identity. however, you absolutely know when i'm doubting things and know just where to hit. i must say, i'm impressed with your tactic... but... it's not cool. your stabbing words encourage nothing but self deprecation; bringing down my self worth. so, it's time i tell you something that's been weighing on my heart: you are toxic, and i'm breaking up with you.
<<lay off the sweets--there is such a thing as too curvy.>>
oh my gosh. you're right--i gained like two pounds in the past week. crap crap crap. i'm supposed to be losing weight for steph's wedding--not gaining it! i might as well say good-bye to that plus one. <<plus one? at this rate, it'll be more like plus fifty.>>
<<no one appreciates the love you give them. and if they do, it won't last long.>>
i know. just look at all the failed friendships in my life! i'm a walking example of failure. maybe i'll just shut off my emotions again.
<<you are weird and it makes people uncomfortable.>>
probably a contribution to my singleness.
<<that pimple on your forehead? the size of everest.>>
i didn't think...HOLY CRAP. it multiplied. oh no, oh no, oh no.
<<you're not strong enough for tomorrow or next week. and like, in all areas: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.>>
don't you think that's a little harsh? <<no>> well... it is. however, i can see where you're coming from. i cry at least two times a week. i haven't worked out in a while. and i feel like there's constant battle between my spirit and flesh. so i guess you're right.
<<DUDE. pick up your chapstick game. your lips look like the sahara desert.>>
nothing is working. i'll just keep a distance from people so they can't see. maybe that will work for my acne too...
<<you're selfish for moving away from your family and friends. stop telling yourself that they still love you. allie, you're never going to be enough for them.>>
you are absolutely right. i should have stayed home to help with wedding planning, to be a buffer in conflict, and provide encouragement. what was i thinking?
insecurity, because of you, i have:
- given up on things and people i love over the years
- kept parts of my personality in the dark
- body shame my own body
you are no longer welcome to provide input. your harsh tone, slimy words, and cunning personality have consumed my mind long enough. you are a minion of the enemy; sent to create a roadblock in my walk with the Lord. did you know that i was created in His perfect image? Jesus has made me His own (Philippians 3:12). please stop distracting me from following Him.
i'd be lying if i said i am perfect. and i'd be an even bigger liar if i said i were a perfect christian. while i strive to be in His image every day, i fail as a result of my relationship with sin. it's a love-hate relationship. love it because it reminds me of how broken i am, which encourages me to continuously press further and further into His heart. i hate it because i am reminded of how greasy and pathetic i am.
i don't need you to also be reminding me of that or encouraging me to intentionally walk in sin. which is why i refuse to continue to let you have authority over my thoughts. i am absolutely worthy of beauty and love. i am living a life of passion. i am rocking my singleness. i am hilarious. i am doing my best to follow the path He has laid before me.
i do want to thank you, though. thank you for strengthening me.
fortunately, it's over. i hope we never meet again. as justin bieber once said, you should go and love yourself.
xoxo
-A
p.s. confidence sends her best <3
Monday, January 23, 2017
obedience is saying no to the peace corps
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"You stand ready to bless us and Your character and eternal purposes remain constant." Malachi 3:6
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obedient is defined by merriam-webster as submissive to the restraint or command of authority : willing to obey.
i remember being at a store with my mom wanting a pair of pajamas that came with a stuffed animal--and let's be honest, what four year old wants new pajamas? i was all about the stuffed animal. mom is holding me as we're standing in line and the cashier rings up my pjs. they proved to be too expensive. mom told me i couldn't get them anymore. so naturally, at my bratty age, i was PISSED. i wanted that stuffed animal. as a result, i threw an obnoxious tantrum. drawing unnecessary attention to my mother and i. the next part is a bit more hazy for me, but according to my mother, i then proceeded to slap her right across the face in front of the cashier. she scolded me and told me to never hit her again. so what did i do? my little arm came back up, i opened up my hand, and forcefully slapped the cheek of Tamara. my punishment: sit in our vacation cabin alone in the midst of a tornado warning while everyone else was together in the bar. like, branches were coming off of trees and the waves on the lake were insane. i was terrified, but learned my lesson.
when we are told we can't have something we desire, the world that seems to revolve around us does not make any sense. reality seems to be turned upside down. as a result, we may lash out and harbor bitterness in our hearts.
here's a story of my most recent experience with denial and obedience:
imagine an awkward middle school allie: age 12, carrying around a guitar purse, wearing a shirt that says 'i'd rather be with my dog' matched with plaid bermuda shorts and plaid shoes stained with blood from a hamster bite. as if all that wasn't bad enough, i managed to place nearly last in every cross country meet, didn't understand how my body worked, and had one of the most awkward personalities (which i still have, but i've learned to embrace it).
the awkward and fearless girl in plaid always saw herself as a peace corps volunteer by the time she was 25. that was and still is her desire.
at the age of 23, i went for it, because YOLO. october 14, 2016 i turned in an application for a 27 month position as a secondary education teacher in mozambique, africa. i would be teaching math in portuguese starting august 28, 2017. on december 19, i interviewed for the position. on january 20 i was OFFERED the position. the only thing standing between me and africa was an email and a lot of paperwork. oh, and God.
the week prior to my interview, i sat down and had a serious heart to heart with God. i listed the reasons i wanted to go. the pros and the cons:
the two cons that kept coming up were a desire for escape and seeking validation in man rather than the Lord. ultimately, did my desire to serve in the peace corps stem from wanting to bring glory to the Kingdom or bring glory to myself? answer: bring glory to myself. i want(ed) to prove a point to those who have always told me i wasn't strong enough to go: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. the reasoning changed over the years as i matured in my faith. i now want to bring Him glory in all things i do. peace corps would provide me with the opportunity to serve in a non-traditional way; defying the stereotypical christian missionary. the idea of being a labeled missionary made me want to throw up and then eat it (sorry, Lord). peace corps is a 'secular' organization, but it still does so much good. individuals are serving. i read so many blogs from christian and non-christian volunteers. blogs that only fueled my desire. i was amped on excitement and coffee as i fervently prayed. the Spirit then lead me to Luke 11:33-36:
[gotta love those parables]
what i gleamed from this is that the Lord's wisdom will exceed the greatest of human wisdom. the peace corps is spectacular. it is absolutely compelling. He then asked,
<<do you see the peace corps for what it is?>>
um. what? of course i do! i would be putting my life on hold state-side and serving You for 27 months in ninety degree weather. i can love. i can be a light. i can grow and strengthen my relationship with You. i don't know what else You'd want from me.
<<obedience>>
ugh, what? i am being obedient. YOU CALL US TO SERVE.
confused by what i was being told, i sat and prayed a lot more. referring back to Luke time and time again.
i began to fully understand that Jesus is the lamp that must not be hidden or missed. He sees a situation for what it really is. therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. there are many bright things in the world that can keep us from seeing the true light of Christ. i need to be careful as to what i regard as bright and attractive. if it is not of Christ, i could be filled with darkness regardless of how grandiose something may seem.
i cried out to the Lord asking Him to open the eyes of my heart to see the greatness of His power, to heal my blindness. His greatness is EVERYWHERE and is working in ALL places. so of course, it is working in peace corps. why is He denying me of that? i found myself consistently asking Him: where do i fit in to Your plan to be light internationally? i want to serve You. is it service in a secular organization or a traditional missions field? how can i bring You glory? where can i bring You glory? is the peace corps really just a candle and not the sun--something magnificent and compelling in this specific moment because i want to do more?
<radio silence>
this was the moment in which my stomach became knotted, my heart heavy, and my eyes watery. there is no way He would deny me of something that has been on my heart for TWELVE years. but then again, He is sovereign. so, of course He could.
i have been putting off telling peace corps no. maybe, just maybe, i can convince God to change His mind because i am definitely not ready to change my mind; my flesh is not ready to surrender this desire. i look up to Him in the sky, shaking my fists, and shouting: "YES! I AM GOING, YOU STINKER. I AM STRONG ENOUGH. I AM BRAVE ENOUGH." i am the defiant, out of line four year old fighting with her parent for what she wants. tear stained cheeks and unwilling to give up. unwilling to give in to the better way. the tornado then hits. He tells me no through more scripture and varying circumstances.
i was reading corrie ten boom's tramp for the lord. at one point, she mentions how we can so often set our minds on some one thing that we think will make us happy: a husband, a particular job, or even a ministry. as a result, we refuse to open our eyes to God's better way.
my flesh is ready for change. while i may not understand why God is telling me no, i do want to wait for the change that will undoubtedly be His better way. not Allie's better way. i want to be obedient to what He has shown me and trust that He will present change when it is time. until then, i will (attempt to) walk in stride with the Lord rather than sprint ahead. as i continue to press into His heart, He will bless and reveal His eternal purpose. this means that i will compose an email politely declining my invitation to become part of a nation-wide organization (even though my heart hurts). i will fervently pray about the path He has laid out for me. which right now, i whole heartedly believe is being a missionary through an organization called new tribes.
new tribes sends missionaries to unreached tribal groups throughout the world. there are 6,500 people groups. and 2,500 of them have no exposure to the Gospel. missionaries learn the language and work to understand the varying cultures in order to effectively plant churches, empower women and children, and witness. the idea of being a missionary that initially seemed nauseating to me, now fills my heart with joy. the question now weighing on my heart is: when?
stay tuned.
xoxo
-A
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