the past month or so i have felt incredibly distant from God, even though there is no change in my routine: i attend my weekly bible study, varying prayer groups, church, immersed in the word, etc. however, there is something blocking me. the moment i feel my heart is right with the Lord, something happens causing me to step back. i do believe that some of it is spiritual warfare but part of it is the condition of my own heart as well. i am chained as i ask myself how i once again became a prisoner to issues i thought i was freed from and new issues i am confronted with. but that's the thing: i've been asking myself rather than the One who can free me from them. my list contained things like: lack of sleep, not enough time for quiet time, overwhelmed by decisions, carrying other people's boulders, etc.
so...obviously, i was wrong. my list actually exemplifies how ignorant i am. classic Allie. so, i took the time to sit with the Lord and pour out my heart asking Him to reveal what is creating this indestructible wall. His list was much longer and more detailed than mine:
manipulation. unforgiveness. resentment. ingenuous. lack of grace. hypocritical behavior. fear. anger.
lack of trust. judgment. pride. self-righteous.
what do these all have in common? an occupation of self.
this is just a part of what the Lord revealed. the actual list is much more complicated, detailed, and longer than what you see. when i look at this page of my journal, i want to crawl into a cave. my cheeks turn red as shame washes over me.
i haven't felt a connection to the Spirit because i have a lot of dirt, or unrepentant sin, in my cup. so much in fact that Christ can not fill it until i actually do repent and carry it to Calvary to see how grotesque it actually is. i need to be cleansed of the sin that is staining my heart. and only then, "as He cleanses our cups, so He fills them to overflowing with His Holy Spirit" (Calvary Road, p. 4).
i've always been aware of the list in red but have never really voiced all of it aloud to God like i have when asking forgiveness for other things. i just assumed He would take care of these deeper heart issues because He knows my heart better than i do. and truthfully, i was ashamed to admit the deeper issues aloud.
i believe that the distance i am feeling is His humble way of reminding me to press into Him more than ever before and to not seek answers in my own thoughts or the offerings of the world. God is growing me in my understanding of dying to the self daily (rather than whenever i feel like it)--the greatest common factor of my dirty cup. so, my wall is still there but i know that God is chipping away at it. He will continue to as long as i continue to fervently pray and come before Him:
"take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, 'awake, o sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you'" | Ephesians 5:12-14 ESV
the things we do in secret, are often the things we're most shameful of. but if exposed by the light, it will be illuminated and anything illuminated turns into light. if we live in darkness, we're isolating ourselves from other humans and we're isolating ourselves from God (as i am learning).
today i drove about three hours from anchorage to seward. can i just say something? IT WAS SO FREAKING GORGEOUS (i said 'holy shit' and a few other colorful vocab words way more than i would have had liked to). anyways, on that drive, i found myself on the verge of tears at one point. despite the overcast, the beauty overwhelmed me. i was also reminded that even though i am a mess and so broken, i am part of something larger. the same God who made the mountains MADE ME. AND HE MADE YOU. He chose us to be a part of His Kingdom. so the moments when we are hyper aware of our grotesque heart-state, Jesus is still there lighting and guiding the way as he herds His lost sheep back Home.
i felt convicted to share this part of my heart because i think it's important to be reminded that no matter where we are in our walk, we are going to have trials and tribulations. we'll have moments when we feel distant from His heart and moments when we feel closer than ever. our broken states our beautiful because He can make something totally rad of it; He makes beautiful things. our happiness, joy, and peace are found in Him.
xoxo
-A
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