i am relatively confident in my identity. however, you absolutely know when i'm doubting things and know just where to hit. i must say, i'm impressed with your tactic... but... it's not cool. your stabbing words encourage nothing but self deprecation; bringing down my self worth. so, it's time i tell you something that's been weighing on my heart: you are toxic, and i'm breaking up with you.
<<lay off the sweets--there is such a thing as too curvy.>>
oh my gosh. you're right--i gained like two pounds in the past week. crap crap crap. i'm supposed to be losing weight for steph's wedding--not gaining it! i might as well say good-bye to that plus one. <<plus one? at this rate, it'll be more like plus fifty.>>
<<no one appreciates the love you give them. and if they do, it won't last long.>>
i know. just look at all the failed friendships in my life! i'm a walking example of failure. maybe i'll just shut off my emotions again.
<<you are weird and it makes people uncomfortable.>>
probably a contribution to my singleness.
<<that pimple on your forehead? the size of everest.>>
i didn't think...HOLY CRAP. it multiplied. oh no, oh no, oh no.
<<you're not strong enough for tomorrow or next week. and like, in all areas: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.>>
don't you think that's a little harsh? <<no>> well... it is. however, i can see where you're coming from. i cry at least two times a week. i haven't worked out in a while. and i feel like there's constant battle between my spirit and flesh. so i guess you're right.
<<DUDE. pick up your chapstick game. your lips look like the sahara desert.>>
nothing is working. i'll just keep a distance from people so they can't see. maybe that will work for my acne too...
<<you're selfish for moving away from your family and friends. stop telling yourself that they still love you. allie, you're never going to be enough for them.>>
you are absolutely right. i should have stayed home to help with wedding planning, to be a buffer in conflict, and provide encouragement. what was i thinking?
insecurity, because of you, i have:
- given up on things and people i love over the years
- kept parts of my personality in the dark
- body shame my own body
you are no longer welcome to provide input. your harsh tone, slimy words, and cunning personality have consumed my mind long enough. you are a minion of the enemy; sent to create a roadblock in my walk with the Lord. did you know that i was created in His perfect image? Jesus has made me His own (Philippians 3:12). please stop distracting me from following Him.
i'd be lying if i said i am perfect. and i'd be an even bigger liar if i said i were a perfect christian. while i strive to be in His image every day, i fail as a result of my relationship with sin. it's a love-hate relationship. love it because it reminds me of how broken i am, which encourages me to continuously press further and further into His heart. i hate it because i am reminded of how greasy and pathetic i am.
i don't need you to also be reminding me of that or encouraging me to intentionally walk in sin. which is why i refuse to continue to let you have authority over my thoughts. i am absolutely worthy of beauty and love. i am living a life of passion. i am rocking my singleness. i am hilarious. i am doing my best to follow the path He has laid before me.
i do want to thank you, though. thank you for strengthening me.
fortunately, it's over. i hope we never meet again. as justin bieber once said, you should go and love yourself.
xoxo
-A
p.s. confidence sends her best <3
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